Jin Stewart Kills PFS (What Is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me...)

Goose12

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Must admit idk. Not really a medical person, more a "stab in the dark" one.

Okay, day three off everything now and the manic-sadness-grief continues. I miss my girl I was going to live with, I hate this crippled body I made impotent that I took so long to build and make muscular and happy. I miss my sex drive, I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and never touch fin. I was going to be SO SO HAPPY with the new love I found. I can't believe how perfectly I've been ruined.

I'm hoping all this is a symptom of hormones adjusting around. I'll give it a few days and take bloods Wednesday I think.

So, being objective, sexual sides have worsened, no arousal and no libido at all. Hard-flaccid still, balls seem to run the gamut as they always did in PFS of tucking up tight, dropping REALLY low or hanging normalls. I think they are smaller and harder than they were pre-pfs though.

Sleep is worse although I did get a semi-refreshing hour or two when I fell asleep again this morning.

Mentally there's a two-fold aspect to it. As you've read I'm in some sort of DESPAIR but actually immersion in the world is pretty good at the same time. That's something.

So, ride it out until the end of the week, then onto the next thing. Depending on hormones I've either got a run of steroids and PCT to do, triptorelin shot I might combine with nolvadex and maybe even knock out my RU supply with 1g/day for 10 days. I might have some snap-back due me from quitting everything though so want to wait a little, but as you might well imagine by this point the depair is kinda bad.

At least though I know antihistamines help somehow. That's a good clue.

Keep going everyone.
I felt the same way you did about this girl when I first had post saw. We were talking about having kids and starting a life together but pfs got in the way. It sucked I was so depressed and thought the exact same things you are. It took probably six months for me to get over it, which is insane. I even new it was crazy at the time but my racing mind wouldn't let me forget.

Now I am happy as hell things didn't work out and looking at her now I don't know what I saw in her. She is nuts and recently shaved her head lol.

Its all in your head and is because of pfs. You wouldn't feel this way about her if you didn't have pfs. Logical who wants to be with someone who is willing to cheat on her husband because she is in love with you and quickly changes her mind. The best way Hing to do is delete her number, in follow her on everything, and focus on beating pfs because you will.
 

MNK99

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once a cheater, always a cheater. unfortunately. people don't change. for the better at least.
 

jinstewart

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Thanks both. Did though feel for her before PFS. Could so easily have been love. We just magically "found" each other. We were just so "right" and fell into place so magically. Then PFS completely killed the person I used to be. :(

But thank you all though. Yes I will beat PFS someday, but I don't think she'll be around when I get back, and I'm sad. :(

As far as symptoms go I felt the crushing headache rear its head yesterday when I was out seeing a friend, so bailed and went home. Sleep is HARD but I did fall asleep for an hour and have an intense dream between 22:30 and 23:30 last night! Dreamed I was skiiing through these snowy Welsh fields... Patchy but half-ok sleep from then on until about 5:00, when I barely dozed until 6:45 alarm.

Masturbated the first time since Thursday this morning, we'll see how that does. I got an unpleasant post-orgasm feeling for an hour or so which subsided, so at least that's improved. Might go easy on doing that. If I get no dramatic snapback by the weekend I'll either try dexamethasone for a week or so, high-dose RU or something else. Might be worth saying that once I GET one, erections last a little and sexting with my ex (I know I know) does get me semi-hard. Nocturnals and mornings though are completely gone since ceasing everything.

To be honest this life is getting a little hard, but I'm hoping it's hormones or something adjusting and settling. It feels a bit like sliding back though. Lost a little hope in this working, should probably have stuck out licorice root, kudzu and nystatin way way longer like IHP and ggggg123.

:/
 
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MNK99

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dude i dont think its just pfs... i fell in and out of love and cried over like 50 girls between 21 to 24. (loser i know). (prolly more and longer ages but who cares).
sometimes its just like that.
mania/hypomania/ pisces/whatever the hell i am -- it's almost always like that. 26, i cared less and less. after all this shyt, fasting, gaining 30lb most of it lean mass, cutting back to super ripped, matching more girls than ever on apps (also a waste of time, but sometimes fun. hookup there, but BAD for adhd and also bad for addictive mindset and also bad for nofap), i went a little crazy over some girl in my building. but she's nothing special, slept with better looking girls. we just met on elevator. the same thing happened in my last bldg in toronto with like 2 girls. i do a lot of dumb things. but IDEALLY, i shouldnt get attached.

a lot of attraction is fleeting, and we just don't know a person, and make up some story of who they are and that they're the one. there is no one. relationships take work, and if it isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be. you could cure pfs and still find "the one" and have it not go well. that's how i feel. but on the other hand, clearly worse things have happened. I'm not saying don't feel anything at all or that you should feel bad for doing so. I'm pretty emotional at times. I am saying more likely than anything else, it's just self destructive behavior, or the pain of lost love, or bad coping mechanisms. Attract more and more women, improve other areas of life simultaneously, eventually you'll forget about her. I can't say i've ever planned (realistic non stupid spur of the moment bullshit planning, but REAL PLANNING) a life with someone. maybe a bit, but I was manic and a kid basically... but I've envisioned all kinds of things, with many women. And the thing is, it's not just looks, timing,... personality, being able to tell the full truth , finding someone right matters more than just the fun and experiences shared. I'm certain I'll ruin and have many more relnships ruined. Ideally not, but this can only change by me improving some other things... i.e. life structure, and going after the right type of girl not just confusing crush/lust with love. and protecting feelings more. but not too much***, not being completely closed off.

I'm not sure if this makes sense, but it does to me. I remember first gf after effexor in toronto (second gf total by then), and yeah that was totally fucked up.
But looking back even a year after that or 2 especially, she was a total bitch. Now i realize that days or weeks later. If nothing materializes or if they lie, just delete the number.

Like shitty friends, delete them from your life. reject them. be high value. never ever trust anyone.

BUT*** even so, I understand the sadness. AND there's nothing wrong with that nor venting. I get sad a lot too, and nearly none of it has to do with pfs, more like finishing a lot of school/ career shyt late, misdiagnosis, pfs a bit at times, but i lost out on tons of opportunities way before this, related to skin issues/ due to excessive weight earlier in life. i've been thru a fuck ton of things in life, and basically, it's hardened me. fuck anyone that wasn't or isn't there for me. at the end of the day, times make the man, not the other way around. i stay focused on me. just like actually valuable women stay focused on themselves. if something works out long term, great. but i need no one.

DO not sext with her, she's just emotionally manipulating you. Cease all contact. show her you have better things to do. nofap a lot, meet new women everywhere, find someone better. cry a week or 2 but then get over it. don't go crazy in some depressed rabit hole. she's not the one. there is "no one". Never think about anyone who isn't thinking about you. she may be, but she gets off on this bullshit. women and some men are like this. like people who flirt with everyone by accident...
she's getting off on knowing that it won't workout and that you still have feelings for her, never let ANYONE waste your time nor play with your emotions. Don't let anyone fuck with you, women especially. trust me i'm pisces and male, which means i'm practically a girl. i know what i'm talking about.


it's really easy to show affection and attraction to someone that isn't attached, whether it goes somewhere or does not.
 
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MNK99

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jinstewart

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Thank you MNK. That is all very kind. I don't know it's as simple as I'm making it out to be. It was complicated sure but in short we were perfect, universe had just aligned so wonderfully that we met and truly and madly fell for each other. It was what and who I'd been waiting for, and was going to be a wonderful life. And now it's gone and PFS took it.

Anyway, back on to me.

Sleep is kinda bad still, getting 5-6 hours/night and waking up two hours before my alarm unable to sleep again. This is better than some in PFS get so I guess I can't complain too much.

Mentally I don't know how much is sadness and how much is crying over a year with a limp dick but I am 'feeling' more like my old self. Like an old self who's now come back and has to deal with PFS. I have spots on my back and chest starting up, and mood is more "settled" but emotionally I'm really hurting. I do feel more normal though.

Only on gut protocol EOD, the odd probiotic and multivitamin a couple times a week. Day 5 since I quit anything even vaguely exotic. I'll run some bloods tomorrow morning.

I feel sad and I miss her and that future. :(

I wish I could sleep and I didn't have PFS and could take back the last 13 months and start again. :(

Let's say that the positives are I can sleep A BIT and improvements in emotional capacity and world-engagement have come about, whatever they might be doing to me. Sexually no improvement as usual, although I did masturbate three times yesterday and once this morning. It no longer crashed me but I think I'll ease up on that and stop for a few days.

...Could someone tell me a joke or something? Feel sad. :( I think my left kidney is 'pulsing' a little bit, which ofc COULD be adrenal/s working away form some reason. Let's hope it's something doing a thing it should be doing and adjusting around and stuff.
 
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RebelWithACause

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Thank you MNK. That is all very kind. I don't know it's as simple as I'm making it out to be. It was complicated sure but in short we were perfect, universe had just aligned so wonderfully that we met and truly and madly fell for each other. It was what and who I'd been waiting for, and was going to be a wonderful life. And now it's gone and PFS took it.

Anyway, back on to me.

Sleep is kinda bad still, getting 5-6 hours/night and waking up two hours before my alarm unable to sleep again. This is better than some in PFS get so I guess I can't complain too much.

Mentally I don't know how much is sadness and how much is crying over a year with a limp dick but I am 'feeling' more like my old self. Like an old self who's now come back and has to deal with PFS. I have spots on my back and chest starting up, and mood is more "settled" but emotionally I'm really hurting. I do feel more normal though.

Only on gut protocol EOD, the odd probiotic and multivitamin a couple times a week. Day 5 since I quit anything even vaguely exotic. I'll run some bloods tomorrow morning.

I feel sad and I miss her and that future. :(

I wish I could sleep and I didn't have PFS and could take back the last 13 months and start again. :(

Let's say that the positives are I can sleep A BIT and improvements in emotional capacity and world-engagement have come about, whatever they might be doing to me. Sexually no improvement as usual, although I did masturbate three times yesterday and once this morning. It no longer crashed me but I think I'll ease up on that and stop for a few days.

...Could someone tell me a joke or something? Feel sad. :( I think my left kidney is 'pulsing' a little bit, which ofc COULD be adrenal/s working away form some reason. Let's hope it's something doing a thing it should be doing and adjusting around and stuff.
Take a cold shower everytime you have those thoughts about her. I also started doing this again when I am in a rut. I blast a cold shower on me for a minute or two and I am brand new.

For the rest you know it is PFS fucking with your head about the girl.
 
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jinstewart

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Take a cold shower everytime you have those thoughts about her. I also started doing this again when I am in a rut. I blast a cold shower on me for a minute or two and I am brand new.

For the rest you know it is PFS fucking with your head about the girl.
That was a shit joke. (I mean thank you though.)

...But solid advice, yes. Thank you. I'd be in the shower a hell of a lot. :/ For some reason I really cannot fathom I am sticking to the cold showers. Was 5 degrees this morning but still did it. I think it is PFS somewhat yes, but only because that limits my ability to 'move on' - before that (when I left my fiancee for example just over a year ago) I was VERY sad ofc, but got down the gym, lifted heavy... I was a sad guy yes but a muscly sad guy with a big dick (sorry.) And that's how I coped, I always 'had' that. And now I'm not so muscly and my dick doesn't work.

Can't do cold showers at work so I have a Pau D'Arco tea and feel sad instead. And look at pictures of my cat.

And cry to you guys. :(
 
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RebelWithACause

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That was a shit joke. (I mean thank you though.)

...But solid advice, yes. Thank you. I'd be in the shower a hell of a lot. :/ For some reason I really cannot fathom I am sticking to the cold showers. Was 5 degrees this morning but still did it. I think it is PFS somewhat yes, but only because that limits my ability to 'move on' - before that (when I left my fiancee for example just over a year ago) I was VERY sad ofc, but got down the gym, lifted heavy... I was a sad guy yes but a muscly sad guy with a big dick (sorry.) And that's how I coped, I always 'had' that. And now I'm not so muscly and my dick doesn't work.

Can't do cold showers at work so I have a Pau D'Arco tea and feel sad instead. And look at pictures of my cat.

And cry to you guys. :(
PFS causes an overly emotional state... experiences comes in 100x harder. Gotta deal with it and not give it too much power.
 

jinstewart

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Okay, I think I can safely say that at least for now I've had a mental upswing. I definitely feel more normal and motivated at work, despite being REALLY sad. Feeling more grounded in the world. This has chewed away at the sour headache aspect of PFS and done something good. Let's see if it sticks. I'll do some bloods tomorrow morning now, as soon as I get up. In a general and slow sense this seems to improve every day. Too early I think to call what I want to do next, but it might be worth another few weeks on nystatin, licorice root and kudzu root and then a week off, and then see?

No sexual sysmptom improvements HOWEVER I think libido is a tiny tiny bit better, which may just be general happiness improving ofc. I did masturbate THREE times yesterday but I'm not touching it today, for the sake of things settling for bloods in the morning. Masturbation doesn't crash me anymore!

Had a better night's sleep last night and a semi-sexual dream of a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT hot colleague at work (who I also banged a few times.)

Supps are still near nothing. Digestive enzymes with every meal (usually 3 pills of Enzymedica Digest Gold with breakfast and lunch and 4 pills of NOW enzymes with dinner.) I also sip a little Restore gut health liquid supplement 1-2 times/day (finishing this up) and a few (3-6) tablets of probiotics throughout the day (Dr Mercola and BioKult.) Multivitamin 2-3 times a week.

Diet is usually something like:

Breakfast - 3-4 chicken thighs fried in ghee, boiled broccolli/cauliflower. Maybe 3-4 olives.
Lunch - same
Dinner - microwaved large sweet potato, brocolli/cauliflower (EOD), four eggs, many/mix of steaks/chicken thighs/lamb chops/mince all fried in ghee.

Drink beet and carrot juice throughout the day (maybe 1-1.5l of them mixed) and water at gym. Pau D'Arco tea also through the day.
 
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Helen

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Okay, I think I can safely say that at least for now I've had a mental upswing. I definitely feel more normal and motivated at work, despite being REALLY sad. Feeling more grounded in the world. This has chewed away at the sour headache aspect of PFS and done something good. Let's see if it sticks. I'll do some bloods tomorrow morning now, as soon as I get up. In a general and slow sense this seems to improve every day. Too early I think to call what I want to do next, but it might be worth another few weeks on nystatin, licorice root and kudzu root and then a week off, and then see?

No sexual sysmptom improvements HOWEVER I think libido is a tiny tiny bit better, which may just be general happiness improving ofc. I did masturbate THREE times yesterday but I'm not touching it today, for the sake of things settling for bloods in the morning. Masturbation doesn't crash me anymore!

Had a better night's sleep last night and a semi-sexual dream of a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT hot colleague at work (who I also banged a few times.)

Supps are still near nothing. Digestive enzymes with every meal (usually 3 pills of Enzymedica Digest Gold with breakfast and lunch and 4 pills of NOW enzymes with dinner.) I also sip a little Restore gut health liquid supplement 1-2 times/day (finishing this up) and a few (3-6) tablets of probiotics throughout the day (Dr Mercola and BioKult.) Multivitamin 2-3 times a week.

Diet is usually something like:

Breakfast - 3-4 chicken thighs fried in ghee, boiled broccolli/cauliflower. Maybe 3-4 olives.
Lunch - same
Dinner - microwaved large sweet potato, brocolli/cauliflower (EOD), four eggs, many/mix of steaks/chicken thighs/lamb chops/mince all fried in ghee.

Drink beet and carrot juice throughout the day (maybe 1-1.5l of them mixed) and water at gym. Pau D'Arco tea also through the day.

Masturbate 3 times a day? hahah Bud, you need to stop it))

makes me laugh how folks talk about lack of libido and then jerk off 3 times a day))

It is too early to tell, let it settle, dont waste money on testing now. wait at least 2 weeks. You have been taking some serious stuff that affects tons of stuff.

it will take weeks to settle
 

jinstewart

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HAhahaha! Yes it's like I don't feel libido the same, but sure love wacking it. I'll leave it alone until at least the weekend, and if you advise then I will give it until next weekend to do bloods.

Thanks Mr Helen.
 
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MNK99

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workout 7d a wk often 14x a wk if can. i transitiioned to calisthenics when injured a few yrs ago, and then added weights. now i do both 1am sometimes 5 or 7am if im doing things late. i like working out while ppl waste money get fatter and get into fights drinking their sad fatty garbage lives away.

so nofap reset, thought about some girl sad mad a few mins mostly at other stuff, medical, and otherwise. but second day nofap, ya i re-realize she's a trick ass ho, so fuck her.
 
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jinstewart

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Just a swift update. I don't want to get hopes up and this may be very much temporary but trends are trends I guess so I'll log them.

Every night sleep has stayed as good as the previous night or got better. I can semi-reliably get back to sleep and doze way more heavily than I did a week ago. Last two nights trend has been sleep around 22:30 - 02:30, piss, 02:30 - 04:00-05:00, piss again, heavy doze (or even sleep and dream) until 06:45.

Mentally I seem to stay the same or gain a little bit of ground every day since stopping all supps. There is absolutely no question this has done some real real good and I am WAY better than at any point in PFS. I'm watching movie trailers, looking up old tunes to listen to in the car, liking teh sunshine and daydreaming again and can focus SO much better at work.

Last couple of nights I've had semi-sexual dreams and woken up with mild erections. One of them even survived a 2am shuffle to the toilet and I had to bend it to pee. Anticipatory erections texting my beautiful colleague (yes I know I'll never fucking learn) but they fade quickly. But it might be that they last just a little longer.

I ate two burgers the other day (just the meat patties, 95% beef too) and now have diarrhea. Oh well, digestive system still needs some love. Back to the very strict diet and I might resume gut drink Mon/Wed/Fri.
 

Helen

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Just a swift update. I don't want to get hopes up and this may be very much temporary but trends are trends I guess so I'll log them.

Every night sleep has stayed as good as the previous night or got better. I can semi-reliably get back to sleep and doze way more heavily than I did a week ago. Last two nights trend has been sleep around 22:30 - 02:30, piss, 02:30 - 04:00-05:00, piss again, heavy doze (or even sleep and dream) until 06:45.

Mentally I seem to stay the same or gain a little bit of ground every day since stopping all supps. There is absolutely no question this has done some real real good and I am WAY better than at any point in PFS. I'm watching movie trailers, looking up old tunes to listen to in the car, liking teh sunshine and daydreaming again and can focus SO much better at work.

Last couple of nights I've had semi-sexual dreams and woken up with mild erections. One of them even survived a 2am shuffle to the toilet and I had to bend it to pee. Anticipatory erections texting my beautiful colleague (yes I know I'll never fucking learn) but they fade quickly. But it might be that they last just a little longer.

I ate two burgers the other day (just the meat patties, 95% beef too) and now have diarrhea. Oh well, digestive system still needs some love. Back to the very strict diet and I might resume gut drink Mon/Wed/Fri.

Nice man. stay off everything for now. it takes time to adjust as I told you.
 
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jinstewart

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Nice man. stay off everything for now. it takes time to adjust as I told you.
Will do. Can I resume gut drink safely Mon/Wed/Fri do you think?

With any improvement it's VERY tempting ofc to want to accelerate that, but I'll be patient. Will give it at least another week until I do bloods next Saturday.

At that point I'm not sure what to try. Maybe this again or Dexa for a few days. If no miracles by then I'll see.

EDIT - Saturday morning now, just about! Slept happily for about 12 hours. Also following a management meeting at work it's certainly something to do with stress of any kind that sets mental symptoms off but my word is it better than it was. Sexually no real improvement though. Very frustrating. Want it ALL back now I've gotten a little bit better. Grrrr.
 
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jinstewart

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Feel a little "strange" - not sure I slept good the last couple of nights. BO and spots on back (what I guess I'd say would be androgens working a bit) I'm not sure are consistent. I definitely don't feel "bad" like PFS. In fact, in terms of mentally being me I feel more like myself than ever. Definitely not pre-PFS but WAY better. I get distracted, I don't think about PFS all the time, but I do feel like a very hollow human being. I'm not unhappy though, maybe even generally relaxed more than PFS-brain, but at the same time desperately so - I've come a LONG way mentally and I want it all back!

Sexually no change really but I am waking up with nocturnals and mornings, but not especially strong or long-lasting. Balls still small, still ride up and dooown. Masturbation is ok, doesn't crash me. Doing it almost every day though, should probably lay off that.

Started doing a little cardio too, will probably be a 15 minute run Mon/Wed/Fri.

Supps are very very minimal - I'm keen to resume licorice root or even Dexa or maybe even just try the antihistamines again. Currently taking probiotics and digestive enzymes with every meal, and a multi vitamin couple times a week.

Will probably run bloods NEXT Friday, give things time to really settle and I may get DHT along with those too so I've got a bigger picture.

Itching to get back on the licorice root, or just SOMETHING. Had some progress so quite keen to improve further, but going to hold off trying anything else until NEXT weekend now.

Xxx
 

jinstewart

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Just an update. Let's have some optimism. It's sort of clear that every day mental symptoms stay stable or improve. Anxiety, sour headache, dread... has to be said that's all diminishing very slowly. I keep saying it over and over but I do mean it, that the better you get the more you realise just how far you slipped away. And how far you've got left to go. I had my beautiful colleague over for sex (much Cialis ofc) and remember the last time she stayed at mine. God I was BAD back then. Sleep gets a little bit better week on week too.

BO isn't really strong. Sexually still awful. No way I could perform without Cialis. Occasionally weak ish mornings and nocturnals though. I think sexually I may be a little worse off though.

Bad news is as it's getting cold I feel COLD at night though, and cold showers are COLD. Though maybe not as bad as just after my crash. I think anniversary of that is the 16th.

All in all big big improvement in quality of life really, but I am sad I'm not healed. Very sad.

Decided bloods will be next Monday, give it a good solid time to settle down.

Keep going everyone.

EDIT - OH YES I also meant to say that the spots I started getting on my chest and back are still a thing, still coming and consistent like old times. Scalp itch in the morning still there too.

I wish I had my muscles and my dick and my girl back lads, I really do. :/

I felt like testing things a bit and so went hiking Saturday. We had 75mph winds and rain, but it was good. Wrapped up warm and scrambled over rocks for the day. It's like I "feel" my bones are weaker (sorry if that sounds very odd to read) but I made it, definitely. Good day in the fresh air at least. After that I went home and tested further by going down the chippy to try some non-diet junk food out (I am a London boy you see) and had large cod (fried in batter) small chips, two saveloy (sausages) and a pickled egg. The world didn't end, poop wasn't unusual. I might make cheat meals a monthly thing now and also stop the digestive enzymes, see if anything "picks up". I'm also toning down the beetroot juice and seeing how potatoes do for lunch, thus upping starch and carbs.

@Helen bloods I'll take in a week will be:

Albumin
SHBG
FSH
LH
Oestradiol
Test
Free Test calc
FAI ratio
Prolactin
DHEA Sulphate

Anything else you'd like me getting? DHT?
 
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