Jin Stewart Kills PFS ('Roid Rage)

RebelWithACause

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Just an update. Let's have some optimism. It's sort of clear that every day mental symptoms stay stable or improve. Anxiety, sour headache, dread... has to be said that's all diminishing very slowly. I keep saying it over and over but I do mean it, that the better you get the more you realise just how far you slipped away. And how far you've got left to go. I had my beautiful colleague over for sex (much Cialis ofc) and remember the last time she stayed at mine. God I was BAD back then. Sleep gets a little bit better week on week too.

BO isn't really strong. Sexually still awful. No way I could perform without Cialis. Occasionally weak ish mornings and nocturnals though. I think sexually I may be a little worse off though.

Bad news is as it's getting cold I feel COLD at night though, and cold showers are COLD. Though maybe not as bad as just after my crash. I think anniversary of that is the 16th.

All in all big big improvement in quality of life really, but I am sad I'm not healed. Very sad.

Decided bloods will be next Monday, give it a good solid time to settle down.

Keep going everyone.

EDIT - OH YES I also meant to say that the spots I started getting on my chest and back are still a thing, still coming and consistent like old times. Scalp itch in the morning still there too.

I wish I had my muscles and my dick and my girl back lads, I really do. :/

I felt like testing things a bit and so went hiking Saturday. We had 75mph winds and rain, but it was good. Wrapped up warm and scrambled over rocks for the day. It's like I "feel" my bones are weaker (sorry if that sounds very odd to read) but I made it, definitely. Good day in the fresh air at least. After that I went home and tested further by going down the chippy to try some non-diet junk food out (I am a London boy you see) and had large cod (fried in batter) small chips, two saveloy (sausages) and a pickled egg. The world didn't end, poop wasn't unusual. I might make cheat meals a monthly thing now and also stop the digestive enzymes, see if anything "picks up". I'm also toning down the beetroot juice and seeing how potatoes do for lunch, thus upping starch and carbs.

@Helen bloods I'll take in a week will be:

Albumin
SHBG
FSH
LH
Oestradiol
Test
Free Test calc
FAI ratio
Prolactin
DHEA Sulphate

Anything else you'd like me getting? DHT?
Yes of course get DHT as well! Add ACTH also.
 

jinstewart

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YOU'RE GETTING BETTER DUDE HOW BOUT SOME MOR APPRECIATION TO THAT FACT MAN
When I get better we're all having a big Skype party and I'll buy you all beer. :)

I took 8 pills of fin 14 months ago COME ON PFS GIVE IT THE FUCK UP AND DIE!
 
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jinstewart

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MNK99

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dude 8 pills like 40mg of proscar or like 8*1.25mg = 10mg, or even less? Not that I doubt you, obviously. I'm sure I got sick in a few doses, just continued tho for a bit (<4mo).
different things happen to different ppl. pretty sure was manic a year to a year and a half (way way way more than usual), on effexor. i've read that happening to some but not many. 4mg? at .5mg. whatever it is, it is fixable.
 
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jinstewart

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dude 8 pills like 40mg of proscar or like 8*1.25mg = 10mg, or even less? Not that I doubt you, obviously. I'm sure I got sick in a few doses, just continued tho for a bit (<4mo).
different things happen to different ppl. pretty sure was manic a year to a year and a half (way way way more than usual), on effexor. i've read that happening to some but not many. 4mg? at .5mg. whatever it is, it is fixable.
Yeah, wasn't even 9mg in the end. 1mg/day for 4 days then 1.5mg a week (split Mon/Wed/Fri) for a few weeks after that.
 
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MNK99

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nice. good memory wow.
Edit: well fuck i mean no that's not nice. nice that you remember and more importantly that you're getting better. lots on my mind, just said first thing popped into my mind.
 
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jinstewart

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Just so I'm sharing good news, it does appear that mentally I am still getting everso slightly better by the day. I was up sexting beautiful colleague again until gone midnight, woke up just before 6am (dozed until 7am) but feel kinda refreshed and ok really. Mentally I'm just "here" now almost, like in the world. And that sour headache thing is just kinda wearing off, like "healing".

Sexually no improvements still, maybe that'll all take a while but seriously this is going well. Can't deny it.

Only on occasional probiotics and multivitamin. Forgot completely to mention a couple of drops of iodine a few times a week too.

Forgot to add pumps in the gym are better and I've been getting DOMS again. I have in the last couple of weeks also been running just a little bit, 3x15 mins Mon/Wed/Fri.

Sorry for spamming, just trying to log all of it for posterity. I think it's in some way significant that I've got spots back on my back and chest too since stopping the licorice root and others. I'm taking that to mean androgens are working on some level in some places again.

I'll say it again, and not for the last time, if I had boners and libido back I'd be perfectly happy coping now.

EDIT - was tired last night and turned in on time, about 10pm. Was asleep by 11pm, woke up at just after 6am. That's just over 7 hours of sleep, had a dream too. Was VERY hard to get out of bed though and I sure do feel cold! But hey, although not a pre-fin sleep that's a LONG one for a weeknight for me!
 
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MNK99

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Dude, when you took SJW (maybe still taking it), did you take it in a tincture, capsule. I got what looks like weeds or whatever from this hipster health store (super annoying place). I don't need that stuff and for all i know it's bad for asthma, looks like a fucking weed. anyways i grinded it up (may have been useless not sure, but the other things like lic root, random herbs, etc in there worked). by worked i mean, anything works at this point nearly, but that doesn't mean it's wise to use. TRULY work in a crazy way at 0 % health is a totally different thing.

anyways did you make a tea or capsules? it's fucking disgusting. i still remember the taste 4-5 d ago. gross. @jinstewart
mostly i don't like it bc it could be bad for mood etc (for me/ hypomania etc stuff). also if you can make a tea, not sure why you couldn't pulverize it and put it in boiling water/ coffee, then make a shake? i'm not going to david's teas to buy 80 dollar tea bags. and im not going to chinatown, and i only use amazon for things i like.
 

jinstewart

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MNK99

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sour headache? That's a feeling even I do not understand...??
hey sup. ill check into that, but honestly i hate not having everything i may need "on hand" in a few bottles, but if i need it, ill buy it.
can't help but read "SJW" as social justice warrior, everytime. a bit better now tho. nice wow, looks rx (pharma brand name) grade.

as in dull or sharp headache most of the day? i had something like that. maybe brain freeze, but more like a bad dull migraine for hours and hours. only time worse, i think was some 24-48hr headaches on effexor (and vodka and a few other things like British Columbia Kush). I used to be a crazy kid, but it didn't bring me happiness.
 

jinstewart

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sour headache? That's a feeling even I do not understand...??
...
as in dull or sharp headache most of the day? i had something like that. maybe brain freeze, but more like a bad dull migraine for hours and hours. only time worse,
Nothing in my life like it pre-fin, can only really describe it like that - feels like the words "sour headache" is the best way to put it. But yes if I had to break it down it's most like what you say, like similar to a very very insistent icecream brain freeze. But not quite the same, more "all over" the brain sort of thing.

I have it back a little bit now. But I just slept 10 hours so I'm also very rested. :)

Excessive sleep and stress tend to bring it on. SJW and Dexa (when I tried it) and coming off the Licorice root seemed to combat it. Over the months it's slowly getting weaker and less frequent. In the early days it was always SCREAMING.
 
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MNK99

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Yeah, I'm sure it would now and kind of did then, but I wanted to make money and show my prnts i know what im doing, so i traded a lot and worked out all the time much of last year. hence, despite tiredness from randro/4andro and pct, i still slept 5-7hrs. i napped here and there but i don't like napping. now tho, yes 2 pct herbs, i gain 5lb, and sleep like 10-12hrs. lith also does that a bit. but sleep is needed, what can you do. now that it's dark all day and minus 20 and worse, and i'm on my own agn, it's not too bad, but i do feel that sleeping so much is a waste of time. i think 6-7 is fine for me, which means probably more like 8-9 is fine for me.

i tend to do things all in a rush, like i made sure i was up to 80th percentile in a few weeks of like 120 hrs studying for some test, but then... work and other things got in the way, and it was hard to break 87th or 90th consistently, and i slightly ignored/ ran away from it, but yes, back on that. ill focus on mny agn later, but there's better ways for me than trading. trading and studying for this all day is pretty hard, ill save trading as a tertiary/ hobby activity, tho i am better at it now. plus what helps me study, kind of worsens trading, as it's a low dopamine -activity, or it's optimized in that way. and studying, writing (another way to make money/ or voice things, or even sales if need be), kind of is high dopamine (at least to me, it works). trading all high dopamine is DANGEROUS.

also it wasn't pure distraction/ adhd/ nor bpii. it was actually my stomach too was messed up like 20-40hrs a week for a few mo, but also i was very disorganized, and waking up and sleeping random hrs, but if i try really hard, can reinstill structure. a long convo with my brother and another doc ( a friend from my city i lived in 10yrs when i crashed on fin), helps me kind of keep on track. also bullet journalling. keeping structure is one of the hardest things for me, it was damn good when just in recovery mode, or fasting mode, but really for me, i need flexible career/ sole practice kind of jobs. team environment, 9-5 isn't for me. 5-5 the next day 24hrs and some breaks, that is.
___ and ___ , fuck it. it's decided. if i knew everything i know now at 14 then i'd be done at 17 but what can you do.
--also if i avoided pssd and pfs many yrs later and treated bpii/adhd the rite way on day one, itd have been so m easier but ya what can you do... live and learn and accept it.
-and do well w your life for you and others, then it's fine. well not really 17 more like 24 or 25 26. but whatever. --crucial career things decided.

i'd get an oil job in this city, but i'd prolly die. can't do labor things, too clumsy. like a driving job it's just too dangerous for me, esp in icy conditions.
if i had area's photographic memory or my brother's test taking ability, i'd get 99th, but whatever 80-90 is pretty good. 95 94 is fine enuff, screw it. ill rewrite if need be.
 
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jinstewart

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Been a few days, ups and downs really. I think I'm way better off mentally in terms of capacity and engagement with the world and ability to work but I'm REALLY sad.

Sexually I'm definitely worse off I'm afraid to say, although weak nocturnals are very regular. Eased up on the masturbation, doing that EOD now though even less desire to tbh.

As things are still swinging around I think I'll hold off on bloods for a little while.

Just kinda feel empty and sad and sick of PFS but my brain on the whole is loads clearer.
 

MNK99

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Keep at it man, was there for sure. engagment with world, you were dating, sounds good to me. wasn't ENOUGH for me either, and my engagment with the world has always been unusual (nocturnal, absent, mysterious, cold and aloof... but also effervescent, cheerful, and gregarious at other times -- literal BP/add stuff. also pisces stuff. it's hard to explain. basically life of the party, but also pretty resistant to let anyone in. and then the next day makes everyone laugh and ev1 loves me. next day shy as fuck. agn and agn for 15-60 yrs. it's tough but could be way worse).

your stage rite now is way way better than reclusive/crash mode. good to vent. keep it up, is all i'm saying, things shift to more normal and how you were and how you'll change long term, over time. you're a positive and good guy, conscientious, i like that about you. @jinstewart.

nofap for me like many other things, cold showers, self care is basically just routine stuff i do anyways. obviously DID not do much of a routine at all during crash. but, more about mental health than say pfs. can still help and surely does help me. however, i feel it's just to keep my mind clear and sharp. sure prolactin, and serum test values change. this and that, but it's one of many positive habits. minor relapse here or there won't hurt you. def can hurt me for a day or half a day, but i have an extremely high addictive drive. hence, back to unplugging net half the time. just like during exams. ill fix that eventually and can go a few d wo anything. 50-80d nofap, but want 100yrs.

also, like me you're a bit of a hopeless romantic, and that too can be a bitch. i understand those feels. anyways, i must go now.

as men, our value goes up as we increase value and relentlessly self-invest as well as sacrifice to excel in chosen field or whatever it is we're trying to do.
goals outside of health. health, etc goals are like brushing, flossing, gargling, just routine. great to have, like hair. and all that. even essential for many of us, incl. me.
something more than that, is part of the journey of life. we are born and we die. we find meaning in between that. existentialism. viktor frankl.
 

jinstewart

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Back again.

I don't feel good. I can work a bit better now but I feel very very low. Sexually I am very much worse off, no life in 'it' now, rarely anything in nocturnals or mornings these last few days. The 'sour headache' is just there a tiny little bit but much better in fact, I just feel a bit "empty" and finished and sad. Very sad.

SOMEHOW though I got down the gym and I benched a rep of 110kg. AFTER I did three working sets (3x5x92.5kg) Now, my RECORD bench was 120kg last summer. Not bad I guess for someone 37yo with PFS at 82kg lean.

Feel sad and doomed and worn out though. Like expired. I keep emphasising that I know but I do. Mentally though I'm so much better than I was last Christmas. At least there's that. Cold showers are COLD now it's dropped below 0 outside and my flat is cold too.

Was thinking of inflammation. Maybe worth a little look as the propeciahelp folks are looking at it. I might run some inflammation tests and see how they come back. I still feel like I might be swinging around a bit so I'll leave hormone blood tests a while. Maybe.

*sigh* keep going everyone.
 

RebelWithACause

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Back again.

I don't feel good. I can work a bit better now but I feel very very low. Sexually I am very much worse off, no life in 'it' now, rarely anything in nocturnals or mornings these last few days. The 'sour headache' is just there a tiny little bit but much better in fact, I just feel a bit "empty" and finished and sad. Very sad.

SOMEHOW though I got down the gym and I benched a rep of 110kg. AFTER I did three working sets (3x5x92.5kg) Now, my RECORD bench was 120kg last summer. Not bad I guess for someone 37yo with PFS at 82kg lean.

Feel sad and doomed and worn out though. Like expired. I keep emphasising that I know but I do. Mentally though I'm so much better than I was last Christmas. At least there's that. Cold showers are COLD now it's dropped below 0 outside and my flat is cold too.

Was thinking of inflammation. Maybe worth a little look as the propeciahelp folks are looking at it. I might run some inflammation tests and see how they come back. I still feel like I might be swinging around a bit so I'll leave hormone blood tests a while. Maybe.

*sigh* keep going everyone.
Just keep going bro. What are you doing now supplement wise? At the moment.
 
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jinstewart

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Just keep going bro. What are you doing now supplement wise? At the moment.
At the moment I take a multivitamin a few times a week (EOD sorta) and Dr Mercola probiotic and that's it. Not even on the iodine now.
 

jinstewart

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Well it's been a week. Things are leveling out I guess. To be very brief:

Improved:
Mood and motivation
Quality of life/world immersion
Skin
Gym

No change:
Sleep (settled back to kinda poor. 5-7 hours of slightly broken sleep.)
Arousal and libido

Worse:
Sexually

Took post-settling bloods, but only male hormone panel.

So, where to go from here? I'll try something I've not tried before. In short, STEROIDS! :eek:

Yes really. Hear me out... a few people have recovered after clomid/nolva PCTs, at least one recovered after just running a cycle (read on propeciahelp but I never did find it again after.) In short, thinking is simple - bump up test and DHT, let the AR see a couple of months of high hormones then cut them and start PCT (clomid and nolva) and hope that restart shuffles the HPTA axis and other animals around enough to right the ship.

Proposed cycle I'll go into more detail about but it'll likely be test prop and masteron prop. Arimidex on hand as well as letro and a bunch of other goodies. Ran a few prohormone cycles in my time so keen to try.

I daresay there'll be MANY opinions on this but I know @joekool will enjoy me logging it!

I will take bloods on-cycle. I wonder if the boost in hormones will make me feel like shit like tribulus does. I migth also start the masteron a week after the test and see if the DHT versus the test do anything. If anything it SHOULD help stem the muscle decline I've had since PFS hit.

Wish me luck, of course any help and hints and opinions welcome.
 
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